The contemplation of life and of us.
Do I listen to my heart or my head?
A completely mutual act of trust
Together, this is where we have been led.
Love is universal, this is different.
Unexplained I can still feel your presence.
Even through an incredible distance,
In my heart I feel that you are present.
The wind blows and we are at complete ease.
I can never ask more from another.
More than I ask for is sent in the breeze.
How to contemplate a perfect lover?
No intention, not even a topic. Simply Doubt, fear, loneliness and question all setting in.
Where do I go from here? What actions do I take? Or is it not a question of action but of trying to just deal with this?
That is the hardest thing to determine. What now? I need to do one of two things in a hurtful situation and a doubtful understanding. – Either act or deal.
So first is the action. Being this hurt something must change. I need something different. So hurt at this point that I can’t go on like this for much longer or it will destroy me… So what now? HOW can I act when I’m scared for ANYTHING. Do I have the strength to act when I can hardly breathe. My chest is tight, breaths short and sometimes painful. So what do I do? Am I supposed to keep busy, leave, be with friends, have fun? ... WHAT? If I try to keep busy I know it doesn’t consume me and occupy my mind…
Where do I leave? Do I in fact travel? Its all I’ve been thinking of and its so right for me.. or is that running? But why should I be scared of running? I got hurt shouldn’t I do what I can to heal myself? Is it running away from my problems or is in fact a cure for a broken heart? I can’t be concerned if I’m doing something healthy for myself. I can see sights and not almost kill myself with alcohol again.
If I’m with friends and have fun its just in vain... When I start to laugh I think about her laugh…when I smile I miss the way she would look at me when she smiled at me… When I joke I miss her making fun of me. When I sleep I miss her next to me…. When I wake up I miss her being there. I miss her lips, I miss her soft skin… I miss her hand on the back of my head … I miss her nails.. Ugh I miss it all.
Its all hurt. Every second I’m just thinking of her. I had so many plans for us.. I don’t fully understand what caused her to leave. I know it was distance and she shouldn’t have been doubting someone who would do anything and everything… all she had to do was ask me. She just had to say the word and I’d be there in a HURRY. It doesn’t matter anymore… There is just something about me that doesn’t appeal. I have so much to offer to someone but maybe what I have to offer just isn’t good enough or worth it. What does it take in this life to be good enough for someone?
Everything happens for a reason???
They say fate and karma exist in this life. Though there is a fine line between the two, there is a distinct difference. Yet, the two still intermingle into maybe what is the definitive. Who is to say which is stronger, which means more or which are certain – if either are. Separate or all the same, how can we ever tell? The certainty, I believe, is that everything truly does happen for a reason. No matter how hard it is and how much we don’t believe it for ourselves at the moment, things happen for a reason. I personally do not think things can get better for me – I don’t see it.. But faith carries me through even though I don’t want to myself.
The patience of fate:
This is that we never know what is in store for us. Every action we take or every action taken against us is bigger than we are. “The five people you meet in heaven” clearly states the significance and reality(so to speak) of fate. A humble, innocent and simple act of running out into a street to retrieve a ball can make someone’s life change forever. You are put in the place to affect someone and be part of something bigger. The more significant you are in someone’s life, the larger and greater of an impact you will have on that person. When you are in a persons life and are aware that it is fate, this is the strongest connection you can have with someone.. It is also the most difficult to understand.
What is hardest to understand are those times that the person you are with introduces you to a resource on fate. Example. The alchemist… A book that no one Alicia knew enjoyed. She told me I would love it and I truly did. Especially the quote “when you want something the whole universe conspires for you to achieve it”. All I ever wanted in life was Alicia to BE my life. My universe was conspiring to be her everything and for her to be mine and treat her like an angel for life. It is hard to understand… She introduced me to this book, our timing was perfect and everything fell into fates hands. I will never be able to understand this. I always thought it as fate and when she introduced me to this book I couldn’t put it down. The book screamed our love. The people were worlds apart but when she blew him a kiss in the wind, he felt her love. True love has no boundaries and no concept of space. Of course we will feel the space, but it shouldn’t make a difference. Space is hard but fate is stronger.
So when you are certain fate has brought you together forever, what left is there when your universe collapses and you can no longer be with the love of your life? Is this the thing that happens for a reason? Was I supposed to be crushed and was that my fate? Or is that my Karma?
“Forgetting” Shirts
What goes around comes around.
I left my shirt at your place so you’d have something when you miss me some part of me with you at all times. If you are ever cold its like Im keeping you warm.. This has backfired because you “forgot” your tank top at my house.
Missing you like crazy I go to bed with you on my mind. I miss you so much and my sheets don’t have your scent anymore …your shirt is pressed close against my chest as I sit at the edge of my bed…Your scent still lingers with me and it makes me miss you so much more.… I’m holding your shirt like its been mine since early in my life. Its close in my chest… My heart bleeds a little more…
I miss you so much now. The scent of you make memories and thoughts of you so bright. Our inside jokes - Stupid door colours, slutty bosses.. The things we say - “me and you babe”, “me to with you” and the stupid things we do - blowing raspberries on your stomach, dancing while making dinner, throwing water at you while I shower…
Every thought imaginable runs through my head. Funny, silly, cute, caring, sexy, intimate and just neutral times of me sitting next to you… I love every second. I smell you and need you so close right now. Pressing your shirt even closer to my chest I think up schemes to visit you, think of what I’ll write next in my book of love to you and so on.
Its funny how your shirt can make me feel so connected to you again. I want to sleep so bad.. Im so tired right now but to be connected with you for this little bit longer, I think I’ll stay awake… I think I like it here right now. This is as close as I can get to you for now… Its only a matter of time before the scent wears off and my feelings grow stronger… I need you now while I can have you… Just like I’ll cherish every second I have WITH you I’ll cherish every second I have to be connected SOMEHOW.
The things I cannot explain, the things I cannot comprehend and the things that put my mind to rest. These are all a reflection of the way I feel for you. At times where I am stressed, confused, worried and sad you turn my life around by a touch, a kiss, a glance and a whisper of your feelings for me.
You put my mind at ease – you put my mind to work
You make me feel so secure – you make me scared
You make me look to the future – you make me live for the moment
You make me whole but I am only half without you.
The things I cannot understand; wont understand; try to understand; don’t understand and the things that are impossible to understand are all the things that make me feel the way I do for you.
Why is it that feelings can contradict each other? How do I feel safe but scared, shy but myself and nervous but completely at ease with life when I’m by your side.
I can not explain a single feeling towards you. Why should I? Why try to explain pleasure, bliss and heaven…
You make me feel so calm and relaxed but when I am with you my mind is working a mile a minute and will never slow down. I’m so calm with you but I’m so busy.
You make me feel like I’m a perfect person and that nothing will go wrong but I am scared of feeling so strong towards someone. Things with you are so perfect and you are the future I crave and work towards.
As I bullet from thought to thought, feeling to feeling and to each worry I have you are the only that always comes out on top.
Explanations of me to you are hard to come by and a feat to accomplish in my eyes. I don’t know if I will ever be able to explain or ever be satisfied in this sense. My feelings for you are the most intense and at times overwhelming. You joke and say you are perfect but for this one second in life I ask you let my words sink in deep.
You are a woman… Caring, Kind, Gentle, Passionate, Inspirational and Charming. You change my life without an effort. Nothing you do goes unnoticed. I care for every second in life we make eye contact or when you look at me when I’m not paying attention. I care for every second I hear your voice and every second you listen to me with open ears. I care for every touch. Every time we connect in each of these ways I let it sink. This is the way I feel for you and in my rapid thoughts I can give this last shot at an explanation. Everything is noticed by me, everything is taken in and everything is loved.
This isn’t a poem, its not a song … it has no structure, no intended rhyme – just an intention of my feelings and expressions.
Lonely and missing you, I leave my house with only a guess of where my feet are taking me. I had no intentions when I left, just the thought of you clouding my mind. Ending up at the waters edge I find clarity. This place is tranquility. It is peaceful, calm and soothing. I love it here.
When do you know what to risk in life? If I were to find the perfect rock should I keep it or throw it? It only comes along once. So I think about you. Right now you are the most perfect thing I have touched, held, kissed and even seen. I have no desire to let go. I will never let go of you.
