Sunday, January 25, 2009

The contemplation of us

The contemplation of life and of us.
Do I listen to my heart or my head?
A completely mutual act of trust
Together, this is where we have been led.

Love is universal, this is different.
Unexplained I can still feel your presence.
Even through an incredible distance,
In my heart I feel that you are present.

The wind blows and we are at complete ease.
I can never ask more from another.
More than I ask for is sent in the breeze.
How to contemplate a perfect lover?

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I dont even really like this one... but here it is anyways :P ..........

This feeling hits me like a knife
I dont understand this pain
im sleeping while im awake
but I still feel this hurt in my dream

My mind stabs me in the back
my heart distracts the attention
I'm distracted by your presence
unable to protect myself

I hear all you say to me
but I'm busy dreaming of you
so I picture us together
but we speak of reality

Life is in limbo as is my heart
they have been yours from the start
please accept this down the line
until then, I'll be a slave to time

Annnd here is another one..

How will you take this>
Can I let you know?
would you be accepting?
would you just let me go?

Would it be so bad to ask?
would we ever change?
do you feel this way too?
would you ever say?

hearts questions... Emptiness and uncertainty are crushing.
Break or embrace me for good.

dont like that one either :P:P:P:P

Both couldnt really get out what I was trying to say

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Unspoken Wishes

I feel like im ready to break.... Like I need to let you know..
To let you know where I stand.
To let you know what I feel.

My heart is screaming out
My soul is reaching to you
No part of me is steady...
Only my lips have frozen

Ready to burst
you need to know.....
Give me your permission.. Ask me the truth..

I'll hint that im honest
I'll hint that I'm thinking
My mind is racing... Let me spill myself

I'll tell you what you already know
My feelings are no secret
Ask me the inner most
for you, I will never hesitate...

You tell me you know..You already know all about me
but please... just ask...
Let us be clear.

Until then, I'll hurt for you
Until then, I'll long for you
Until then, I'll wait for you
Until then - Wait for me...

Monday, January 5, 2009


No intention, not even a topic. Simply Doubt, fear, loneliness and question all setting in.

Where do I go from here? What actions do I take? Or is it not a question of action but of trying to just deal with this?

That is the hardest thing to determine. What now? I need to do one of two things in a hurtful situation and a doubtful understanding. – Either act or deal.

So first is the action. Being this hurt something must change. I need something different. So hurt at this point that I can’t go on like this for much longer or it will destroy me… So what now? HOW can I act when I’m scared for ANYTHING. Do I have the strength to act when I can hardly breathe. My chest is tight, breaths short and sometimes painful. So what do I do? Am I supposed to keep busy, leave, be with friends, have fun? ... WHAT? If I try to keep busy I know it doesn’t consume me and occupy my mind…

Where do I leave? Do I in fact travel? Its all I’ve been thinking of and its so right for me.. or is that running? But why should I be scared of running? I got hurt shouldn’t I do what I can to heal myself? Is it running away from my problems or is in fact a cure for a broken heart? I can’t be concerned if I’m doing something healthy for myself. I can see sights and not almost kill myself with alcohol again.

If I’m with friends and have fun its just in vain... When I start to laugh I think about her laugh…when I smile I miss the way she would look at me when she smiled at me… When I joke I miss her making fun of me. When I sleep I miss her next to me…. When I wake up I miss her being there. I miss her lips, I miss her soft skin… I miss her hand on the back of my head … I miss her nails.. Ugh I miss it all.

Its all hurt. Every second I’m just thinking of her. I had so many plans for us.. I don’t fully understand what caused her to leave. I know it was distance and she shouldn’t have been doubting someone who would do anything and everything… all she had to do was ask me. She just had to say the word and I’d be there in a HURRY. It doesn’t matter anymore… There is just something about me that doesn’t appeal. I have so much to offer to someone but maybe what I have to offer just isn’t good enough or worth it. What does it take in this life to be good enough for someone?

Thursday, January 1, 2009


Everything happens for a reason???

They say fate and karma exist in this life. Though there is a fine line between the two, there is a distinct difference. Yet, the two still intermingle into maybe what is the definitive. Who is to say which is stronger, which means more or which are certain – if either are. Separate or all the same, how can we ever tell? The certainty, I believe, is that everything truly does happen for a reason. No matter how hard it is and how much we don’t believe it for ourselves at the moment, things happen for a reason. I personally do not think things can get better for me – I don’t see it.. But faith carries me through even though I don’t want to myself.

The patience of fate:

This is that we never know what is in store for us. Every action we take or every action taken against us is bigger than we are. “The five people you meet in heaven” clearly states the significance and reality(so to speak) of fate. A humble, innocent and simple act of running out into a street to retrieve a ball can make someone’s life change forever. You are put in the place to affect someone and be part of something bigger. The more significant you are in someone’s life, the larger and greater of an impact you will have on that person. When you are in a persons life and are aware that it is fate, this is the strongest connection you can have with someone.. It is also the most difficult to understand.

What is hardest to understand are those times that the person you are with introduces you to a resource on fate. Example. The alchemist… A book that no one Alicia knew enjoyed. She told me I would love it and I truly did. Especially the quote “when you want something the whole universe conspires for you to achieve it”. All I ever wanted in life was Alicia to BE my life. My universe was conspiring to be her everything and for her to be mine and treat her like an angel for life. It is hard to understand… She introduced me to this book, our timing was perfect and everything fell into fates hands. I will never be able to understand this. I always thought it as fate and when she introduced me to this book I couldn’t put it down. The book screamed our love. The people were worlds apart but when she blew him a kiss in the wind, he felt her love. True love has no boundaries and no concept of space. Of course we will feel the space, but it shouldn’t make a difference. Space is hard but fate is stronger.

So when you are certain fate has brought you together forever, what left is there when your universe collapses and you can no longer be with the love of your life? Is this the thing that happens for a reason? Was I supposed to be crushed and was that my fate? Or is that my Karma?