hurt

No intention, not even a topic. Simply Doubt, fear, loneliness and question all setting in.

Where do I go from here? What actions do I take? Or is it not a question of action but of trying to just deal with this?

That is the hardest thing to determine. What now? I need to do one of two things in a hurtful situation and a doubtful understanding. – Either act or deal.

So first is the action. Being this hurt something must change. I need something different. So hurt at this point that I can’t go on like this for much longer or it will destroy me… So what now? HOW can I act when I’m scared for ANYTHING. Do I have the strength to act when I can hardly breathe. My chest is tight, breaths short and sometimes painful. So what do I do? Am I supposed to keep busy, leave, be with friends, have fun? ... WHAT? If I try to keep busy I know it doesn’t consume me and occupy my mind…

Where do I leave? Do I in fact travel? Its all I’ve been thinking of and its so right for me.. or is that running? But why should I be scared of running? I got hurt shouldn’t I do what I can to heal myself? Is it running away from my problems or is in fact a cure for a broken heart? I can’t be concerned if I’m doing something healthy for myself. I can see sights and not almost kill myself with alcohol again.

If I’m with friends and have fun its just in vain... When I start to laugh I think about her laugh…when I smile I miss the way she would look at me when she smiled at me… When I joke I miss her making fun of me. When I sleep I miss her next to me…. When I wake up I miss her being there. I miss her lips, I miss her soft skin… I miss her hand on the back of my head … I miss her nails.. Ugh I miss it all.

Its all hurt. Every second I’m just thinking of her. I had so many plans for us.. I don’t fully understand what caused her to leave. I know it was distance and she shouldn’t have been doubting someone who would do anything and everything… all she had to do was ask me. She just had to say the word and I’d be there in a HURRY. It doesn’t matter anymore… There is just something about me that doesn’t appeal. I have so much to offer to someone but maybe what I have to offer just isn’t good enough or worth it. What does it take in this life to be good enough for someone?